August 31, 2010

Felt an overwhelming need today to see my wife. It wasn’t one of those, “I know she’s dead, but I wish I could just see her.” It was more or less one of those, “I just need to see her. Come on, God, just let me see her.” And if God is truly a friend to the hurting, then why won’t He let that happen? Tough question. I’m not meant to know the answer.

In other happier news, Whitney turned 17 yesterday! It was different and bittersweet, but we tried to enjoy the moments, because that’s all we have.

Good conversations:

August 26, 2010

I’ve had some good conversations with my girls the past couple of days. One of them sort of struck me more acutely than the others. I was talking to all three of them last night right after dinner. Whitney began the conversation by saying that it will be strange going to school on Monday without a “Caroline sticky”. Every year, Caroline would write a little something for each of the kids on a sticky note on their first day of school. It might have just been a short  doodle with a smiley face ending or a list of things that the kids needed to remind themselves about going back to school. I didn’t realize, and I don’t know if even Caroline noticed, that each of the kids kept those notes over the years. It’s something that, even if I can’t repeat it the way Mom did, I’ll have to remember on Monday morning.

So after that initial memory from Whitney, all three of them got quiet. Zoe piped up with, “I can’t believe Mom’s really not coming home.” That led to some tears, but it also led to some moments of smiles a few minutes later when the three of them shared some memories of their mother. And then my youngest took her turn. She said, “Daddy, it’s a long future without Mom in it.” That sort of broke everything up, and I didn’t know how to respond to her. And it’s true. It’s a long future without her Mom, and it’s hard to explain to an 11-year-old that her mother will still be with her even though she can’t see her. They want their mom, and I can’t give them that. But it was good to be able to talk with the girls, and I hope that line of communication will always be there; even during the times that they wish I would leave them alone.

“Girl” rules

August 23, 2010

Since T.J. left, it’s been the girls and me, and I will say that being outnumbered 3 to 1 has its challenges. So to help me out, on the notepad hung up on the side of the refrigerator, my girls are setting me up some “girl” rules to learn. So far, there are five of them.

“Girl Rules to Help Make Life Easier” (that’s honestly the title)

1. Three to one now, so remember to always put the seat down!

2. Ask….Seek….Knock, and the door will be opened. (To which I wrote underneath, “Leave open…no knocking required…)

3. We’re girls. So don’t treat us like T.J.

4. Don’t ask us embarrassing questions, please!! We’ll fill you in…we promise. (I think that was written solely from Whitney).

5. Girls can never have enough shoes, so quit pretend tripping on them to try to prove a point! (again, that had to be a Whitney one)

Zoe: “I totally need to charge my iPod!” (a Nano, which she agreed to help pay for, because this Daddy wasn’t going to shell out that money myself)

Me: “You know, we didn’t have iPods when I was little. In fact, we didn’t have computers either.”

Zoe: “What’d you do all day?”

Me: “We played outside and used our imaginations.”

Zoe: “Man, that would suck.”

Here’s What I Know

August 10, 2010

1. There IS someone out there for everyone.

2. I found her.

3. It’s now Hell without her.

Church

August 3, 2010

Went to a local Catholic church early this morning and lit some candles. I sat in the second pew afterwards and just stared at the giant crucifix in the front of the church. 20, 30 minutes, I don’t know how long I was there. Gave me some comfort sitting there. I’m trying to find my way back to not being so angry at God anymore. Might have to head back to that church more often.