Moving Along

May 31, 2011

Moving along, moving along. I stumble and fall, but I’m moving along.

June was Caroline’s favorite month. I don’t think I ever, in over 25 years of a relationship with her, quite knew the actual reason why. Heading into this June, I feel relaxed. I feel genuinely happy. I feel ready to finally truly and perhaps fully accept what happened; things out of my own control. To accept that cancer is a nasty part of the world’s vocabulary. To accept that life doesn’t come with a how-to manual. It’s messy. It hurts. It sucks. I don’t know if acceptance is even the right word, but I really believe it’s time to heal. Not the fake healing that I often will generate when my kids give me that glance. Not the weak attempt at smiling and showing a positive belief in life and its wonders. I want to really embrace healing. I want my children to see a father living life again; remembering yet, as I said before, moving along. I want to rid myself of the stagnant. I want to pull up a memory and smile. I want to reminisce without breaking apart. I want to live. I want my wife to be proud of the man she married. I want God to forgive me for ever doubting His ultimate purpose. I want my kids to roll their eyes at goofy Dad. I want them to understand that the void we feel can’t be replaced, but we can continue to live. Life, though difficult, moves forward. What is here one day isn’t always there the next, and I want them to realize the beauty of what is here in the present. I want June to become my favorite month as well; the month that I find myself again.

The valley is deep, dark, and painful, but it doesn’t last forever. I just have to keep walking.

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